Mother's Day Pain

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, where as a Mother you are honoured, loved, recognised and cared for. You feel joy, pride and awe at the fact you get to be your child's mother. You are supposed to be happy and feel special. 

And I feel all that. I do.

But I also feel a lot of other things. Things I know many others also feel, yet NO ONE talks about. 

I am a Mother of an amazing 10 year old son and I am a mother who has also lost babies. 
I have 4 angels.

On Mothers Day I feel loss. 

I feel a deep sadness that never eases or goes away. I feel cheated and robbed of the chance to hold them and see them grow and of the chance to be their mother in the way my living son knows. I feel empty and hollow. I feel anger. 

To make matters worse, my last angel was lost to me on Mothers Day that year, 6 long and short years ago. As if that day wasn't hard enough after three losses, I woke that morning to start losing for the forth time. 

You cry. 
Loudly. Silently. In secret. In the dark. In the shower. Behind sunglasses. 
When you think no one can see you. 

You put on a brave face and you smile for the child you do have and you hug them and love them more than you ever thought possible. You cherish this day but you also dread it. You hide your sadness behind your smile so the child standing before you doesn't see it.

Thousands of women feel this way every year on Mother's Day. No one talks about it. If you do you get told to be grateful for what you do have, to grieve and move on, to be happy and celebrate the fact you are a mother at all. People make us feel ashamed of our sadness, of what we have been through and the fact that we remember the lost parts of our hearts. And that has to stop. 

I am a Mother. One who feels pain on Mother's Day as well as joy. 
And that's ok. 
That is not something I should hide or be reluctant to admit.

There are so many who grieve on Mothers Day.  Those who have not just lost children but those who have never been able to experience pregnancy.  Those who have lost a mother or have a mother absent from their lives. 

It hurts.

No one is saying you shouldn't celebrate and feel joy on this day, far from it!  It is a day to embrace.  Just remember that not all women feel the same on this day.  Some need a great big hug.  Some need you to respect their privacy as they spend time away from others and not judge them for it.  Some need you to include them.  Most of all, they need you to acknowledge their pain on Mothers Day, it will mean more to them than you know. 

Happy Mothers Day to all.
All the mothers of children, of angels, of fur kids.  All those with mothers, without mothers and missing mothers. All those who wish they were mothers and deserve to be mothers.  All those becoming mothers. All those Dad's who are both mother and father to their children.
Much love to you all.