Living Anxiety as a Homeschool Mum

Anxiety, for anyone, is hard.

Full stop.

But dealing with Anxiety when you have your child around you 24/7, especially when they too suffer with Anxiety, is a tricky thing.

We've been homeschooling for years now.  This is our 5th year.  I'd like to think we have a routine, a pattern, a learning style sorted and a flow.  And we do to some degree.  But we also still have (and I dare say will always have) Anxiety to deal with.

Recently life changed for my son and I. 

His father moved away interstate for work and he is adjusting to not seeing him for months at a time.  It's not going well, but I am trying to do what I can for my boy.  It doesn't help that I am adjusting to being on my own now and coming to terms with my own disabilities, limitations and ways to cope.  It doesn't help that I am a mess while trying to be there for my child.

Anxiety is ever present throughout the whole process.  Anxiety makes the process a million times harder.

I can't begin to describe how the littlest things become huge, all consuming, mammoth tasks that you spend all day sorting out.  The first day was spent just doing daily chores, trying to work out the best order for things to be done in and making sure I didn't forget anything.  I think I wrote 20 lists just to curb the anxiety that made me sick to my stomach.

After an injury in the backyard that weekend, and my son therefore helping me, he unfortunately left the downstairs freezer open and all the food spoiled.  I felt myself crumble.  While others might experience anger or frustration before getting on with the task of cleaning up and it all being sorted in a matter of an hour, it's very different for me.  I had a panic attack.  Actually I had 4 major ones.  I struggled to breathe, had pains through my chest and yes you feel like you are having a heart attack.  I needed to sit and cry and sob for over an hour before I could even start to plan what to do.  I wrote more lists.  I felt like an utter failure as a mother, as a carer, as a person.  I saw my son crumble thinking it was all his fault and he'd caused my meltdown.  That as a mother is hard to cope with.  I then had another panic attack over realising the garbage bin being almost full and it was still two days till the garbage collection.  By the time I had collected myself (again) and was able to think, then cleaned out the freezer, dumped all the food, cleaned up the water, then decided the one section that hadn't thawed needed defrosting, and defrosted it, it was 5 hours later and after 11pm. 

Then I could breathe a little easier.  I still woke 6 times that night worried the freezer wasn't closed and was broken or that I hadn't mopped up enough and water had damaged something.

The whole next day was filled with anxiety and panic over replacing the lost food.  I struggled with meal planning that day despite having basics.  You just cannot connect the dots and function like a regular adult.  Things had changed.  I don't like change.  My usually articulate and switched on brain was broken.

Due to my own health issues, I can no longer just go and do groceries as I used to, and have my son's father here to carry it all up the stairs and do the heavy lifting and the bending etc.  So to re stock the freezer I had no choice but to enter the world of online groceries.  And welcome to the world of huge anxiety and more panic attacks.  The realisation that you have to rely on someone else to help you (and ask for help in the first place!) is a huge slap in the face.

Most people don't think much of ordering groceries online. Just pick a store online, add what you want to the online cart, select a delivery time and pay.  Done.
OMG if only it were that easy. 

I spent 3 hours on one website and 2 on another.  I hated both.  My OCD and Aspie issues screaming at me all while struggling to breathe and focus.  I eventually get my 'carts' full and then comes the decision of picking a delivery time.  What happens if I need to go out unexpectedly?  My child could get sick, or the dogs or me!  An hour later I had picked times.  Yep, it took an hour to click the button to confirm the times.  One store to deliver in the morning, one in the afternoon.  There was a 2 hour gap window if I needed to go out.  Realistically that should have been enough to calm and placate me yes? No. Just no.

 I have sat here all day, waiting for each, crossing off lists, feeling sick the whole time and being a wound up ball of electricity.  All over grocery deliveries because it was a first time thing.  Every car driving past, every noise, sets me off.

I am still anxious because I need to go and buy a child latch to make sure the freezer door stays securely closed.  I doubt I will sleep well till I have one *as she sits up typing this because I can't switch off my brain and sleep* 

And that's a whole other thing to be anxious over.

I don't think others realise how 'all consuming' anxiety can be.  How the easiest of things for them, the most mundane things, can cause such panic to me.  

So how do you homeschool amongst all of that?  Well you often don't.  On those days there isn't much point trying to get major things done.  This week we have spent reading and watching educational (on topic) documentaries as bookwork has been just too hard.  My son still learnt a lot, but our days look very different to others if I honestly painted that picture for them.  I used to worry that the anxiety we both had meant that we wouldn't get enough done and wouldn't 'keep up' but I quickly realised that the anxiety we'd both be dealing with if my son was back in mainstream school would be far worse and have a much greater impact on his education, his health and our lives.  

Not all days are like this.  Some are great and we can do a lot.  Some are calm and we are both up to exploring and being open to new people, new experiences, new foods etc.  But some are not.  Some are home days.  Days we need to withdraw and just cope with life.  Those days are hard.  Those days are not easy to explain to others without sounding like a whinger or a weakling or a failure of a person.  Those days we can sound needy and like common sense took a well earned distant extended vacation.  We can come across as selfish crappy friends.  However it is what it is and that's us, take us or leave us.

Anxiety is something that evolves and creeps up on you even when you think you have it managed.  

Despite all this, one thing I know is that being a mum with Anxiety to a child with Anxiety means showing your child that even though it is hard, we can get through it.  If he sees me struggle, but sees me get up and fight on each day, then he can gather strength and resilience through that.  I can help my son to see that it's ok to face the anxiety head on, cry, get angry and get through it.  I can help my son to see he is not alone and that a lot of people go through this.  I can help eliminate negativity and empower him.  If I tried to hide all my anxiety issues from him then I'd be doing him an injustice in the long run.  Homeschooling my son while having my Anxiety (and multitude of other health issues) means teaching him more than facts and figures.  It's not exactly conventional, but it's a big lesson on self empowerment, resilience, compassion, understanding and a strong respect for humanities personal struggles.

All that plus teaching him it's ok to take time to chill out with mum on the couch under a blanket while watching a DVD in air conditioning.  Because that's important too LOL.

I wrote this today for all the mums out there who go through this, who very much feel they fail at parenthood and life, who need a hug and a magic fairy to step in and help out.  I wrote this in case another homeschooling mum is feeling like today is all just too much and is feeling like she is the only one.  

You are not alone my friends.

Homeschool Mums Deserve Teacher Gifts Too

Children in mainstream school give a gift to their teacher at the end of the school year.  Well that's how it works here in Australia anyway LOL.  Whether it's something home made, store bought, inexpensive or not, teachers leave for the Holidays with lots of 'Thank You' gifts from their students and their parents. 
And deservedly so.
They do a great job! 

But I ask you this. 

Do you, as a homeschooling parent,
acknowledge the job well done and the dedication
 YOU
have provided to your family through the year? 
Do you get your children to make you a gift or buy you a gift as a Thank you?

If not, why not?

You deserve it too.

When my son attended school, we bought gifts for his teachers. There was a lot of them. Each year he had two class teachers, two-four teacher aides, a Head of Special Needs Coordinator and a Special Needs Classroom teacher.  That's 6-8 teacher gifts.  When you add up the cost of them all, it's not cheap.  Yet the first year I started homeschooling, I got to the end of the year and thought wow I have done the job of all of those people. Yet when doing my end of year shopping I found my budget much healthier as I had no teachers to buy for. 

A week later my son asked me what I was going to get for my teacher present. 
Firstly I was happy that my son recognised my value as his teacher. Secondly though I wondered if I should, wondered what others would say, wondered if I should spend the money on something self indulgent for myself. 

Not long after, I found something on sale at the shops that I had wanted for a long time. I had my usual 'no mantra' running through my head along the lines of not being able to justify the expense. Something as mothers most of us do all the time.  Only this time I stopped myself mid-mantra. I DID have a reason to buy it, I could justify it. I did deserve to spend money on myself, after all I had been a teacher all year and put in the hard work, got amazing results from my child and all for no weekly wage. 

When I told my friends about my Teacher Gift I got a wonderful response. 
The best part was helping other mothers to recognise their value as home educators too. It wasn't about the cost of the gift, just that they deserved something, like any other teacher does. Whether that be a handmade card, a box of chocolates or a gift of something special.

 I already have my gift for this year picked out. I don't feel guilty about it either because I deserve it.

So my question to all you homeschooling parents out there is, 
what will you get yourselves this year as a reward for all your hard work? 

Five Top Tips for New Homeschoolers

So many new homeschoolers want to know what it is that you recommend they do. 

Where do you start?  There is so much knowledge to share! 

However I think most times, we are so eager to help and give advice, that we miss the mark completely and have the poor family so overwhelmed with well meaning help, advice, links, options and plans that they are immediately trying to play catch up.  

My advice is to stop. 
Stop and breathe. 
Remember why you wanted to homeschool in the first place and then follow some very simple steps. 

Remember your child and your family is not like ANY other and what others are doing or have done, is their way, their mistakes made, their success, their plan. Not yours. It is best to write down what your goal is, and try not to take on others points of view too much. You can take notes, ask for advice and help, but don't lose sight of your own goals.

You don't need to rush out and buy curriculum! So many of us got told what to use at the start of our journeys and we all wasted so much money trying new curriculum before even knowing what would suit our child, becoming very broke in process and stressing both ourselves and our children.  There is so much to find online that is free. Until you settle into being at home and find out what your child's learning style is, don't spend too much money.

Take your time! There is NO hurry. Just because a child in a mainstream school is at school for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, does NOT mean you have to immediately replicate that at home. Homeschooling is not necessarily School at Home. You don't need to make your home look, run and feel like a school. Take some time to settle into life at home. More than just a week! It can take months to find a routine. Months to find your feet. Months for your child to de-school and find themselves.

Trust yourself. This is a big one. I know you will have anxiety and you will doubt yourself. But you took this step for a reason and you had the confidence to follow through so keep up that positive attitude and have faith in yourself. Trust that you ARE smart enough to teach your child. Trust that you ARE doing what you feel is best for them. Trust that you WILL have bad days but that the good days will far outnumber them. 

 

Pace yourself socially.  There are so many homeschooling groups our there, that if you were to try and go to everything available, well you'd never be home!  Children at school are around other children all day but that is not being social, that is forced interaction.  There will always be things on to go and do, but too much too soon gives both you and your child burn out.  It is completely ok to stay at home.  And stay home a lot if that's what you and your children like and need.  

That's it.  My Five tips for new homeschooling families.  

Stop, Breathe, Relax and follow your instincts. 

ASD and Homeschooling - My Autism Awareness Journey

Today begins Autism Awareness month. Over the last 5 years I spent every day of April (and many throughout the year) promoting Autism Awareness. I don't regret my daily awareness social media posts. I don't regret that because of them I have helped others become aware, recognise ASD in their own children, recognise the ASD issues in my child and help him, and ACCEPT ASD in all it's forms.

I also do not regret the many people who left my life because of those posts. The ignorant and self absorbed 'friends' who were annoyed by ONE post a day from me showing up on their news feeds. I even cut ties with family over those posts. Sending me a message to say you are 'unfriending' me on facebook because my one post a day clogged your news feed is not only an indicator of your lack of friends, but of your rudeness and general attitude which is probably the reason for your lack of friends in the first place. What I found funny was in each case, I was expected to apologise and to remain in contact with these people after the unfriending. Funny because they had to be joking right? 

 You may think that posting awareness messages was a negative thing to have lost large number of family and friends from my life over those 5 years. But that's not the case. Good riddance to them all I say. My awareness posts brought about the end of these relationships sooner rather than later and saved me a lot of wasted time and effort so it was a good way of thinning the herd.

The thing about being an ASD parent, is that you find yourself going through stages. There is the struggle before diagnosis, the bitter sweet shock and sadness at diagnosis, the grief and 'why us' stage, the confusion and finding your feet stage, the endless therapy stage, the school issues stage ... the list goes on.  Many people get stuck in the early stages and never move on from that, but many of us move through the stages and get to the acceptance stage. The place in our journey where we accept who WE are as parents, accept ASD for what it is, accept our kids for the awesome children they are, and work towards our futures. We don't look for cures, we stop reading the endless stream of articles listing causes. We stop living in the blame game, stop looking for the exit door. 

I'm at the Maintenance / Acceptance / Celebration stage. The "we've worked things out" and are managing stage, where the hard work of the past years is paying off. Where we might want to take on new challenges or just enjoy the place we are in.  We can see the good things about ASD, we can celebrate them. That's us now.

We've been through diagnosis, we've been through therapies, we've been through school issues, we've survived and found what works for us.

What works for us is homeschooling. 

Honestly, it's the biggest and best change we ever made to our lives and the benefits to the ASD issues we were facing will far outweigh any struggles we've had in finding our feet in the homeschooling journey. 

Now I will say, that homeschooling is NOT for everyone, it is NOT possible for many financially, physically or mentally.  It is not the answer for everyone with ASD. However it was the answer for us. It meant no need for medication, it meant no more depression and suicidal thoughts from my son, it meant improved health, it meant a huge reduction in anxiety, it meant less sensory overload, it meant less aggravation and frustration. Quite simply, it worked for us or I wouldn't still be doing it. We are in our 4th year of homeschooling and don't plan on stopping any time soon. It is by no means "a cure" as ASD is a way of life and a way of thinking NOT a disease, but it is the best option for us.

What improvements happened for us with homeschooling? 

• Physical changes: no more daily anxiety vomiting which meant no more stomach problems, weight gain (my son had not gained weight since he was 3.5 years old and started Kindy and was almost 7 yrs old when we started homeschooling), colour back in his cheeks, no more black bags under his eyes, sleeping through the night for the first time in his life, he smiled, he laughed, he played. He also grew a lot. Did you know, according to medical research, that anxious children have stunted growth?

• Emotional changes: my son was happy again. There was no daily tears, no anger at everything, frustration at everything, refusal of everything. He was no longer in shut down or meltdown mode every day. He would get excited rather than frightened. He was able to self regulate his emotions more and he was able to be calm and content for the first time. He was able to talk through his emotions. He felt he could really BE himself. That he wasn't being judged or singled out for his ASD issues. 

• Mental Health changes: after being suicidal, coming to us at 6 years old and asking which was the least upsetting way for a parent to find their child after ending their lives, my son's mental health did a huge back flip. He has NEVER gotten to a suicidal state since then (when we removed him from school). Even years of therapy with a psychologist had not been able to help his mental depressive state, but homeschooling did. His severe anxiety was significantly reduced and he was able to function again. No more hiding under chairs and tables, no more social withdrawal. He was chatty, he would approach people to talk and make friends, he was relaxed. One of the other huge positives, is that in your home, there is no class bully. There is no playground bully. You will probably still encounter a bully or two in a homeschool social group, but the difference being that the child has more self confidence than when at school, they have parent back up and support and the problems are dealt with directly and not brushed aside by schools. 

• Educational changes: my son has a very high IQ but struggled at school with little help and was getting C's and D's in all his subjects despite us being told he was in the highest portion of the class (doesn't THAT say something about our education system and mainstream schooling!). He was at the start of Grade 2 and could not read, spell, do basics. At home he was able to get one on one help with me, no distractions, no noise, no sensory overload, could go at his pace, could do a lot of revision work and concentrate on problem areas, could advance in areas he was good at. I could easily see where the deficits were and was able to pin point learning disorders that the school was unable to notice. We were then able to have those things tested for and diagnosed and put in learning supports and strategies. My son's first year at home we used a Distance Education school and his report card from them was straight A's and he received a Principals Academic Award. So not only were his results more reflective of his intelligence, but he was able to learn in a way more appropriate to his learning difficulties. My son now enjoys learning, he willingly gets a book to read. I can cater his education specifically to his needs.

• Sensory changes: I'd like to think that as children with sensory needs get older, that they all develop a tolerance to things that previously resulted in meltdowns or shutdowns. However this is usually a gradual process. For us, the first month at home there were huge improvements. Almost as if a switch was flicked as many issues appeared to change immediately. I think that in a school environment, EVERYTHING sensory is happening all at once and that's where the overload comes in and when the child falls apart. Many hold it together at school then come home and explode in meltdowns. Trust me, that meltdown after school child, is NOT the one you are trying to teach at home. At home, the sensory issues are somewhat separate from each other or in milder forms. There might be some noise, but it will only be one or two people talking or a TV in the background or a single light buzzing. But not 30 people talking in the classroom (with the rest of the school talking just a building away), ten lights per room buzzing, plus the noise of people walking, pencils writing on paper, paper shuffling, sniffling kids, school bell ringing, a sport class happening outside, a music class' noise filtering through the school, chairs being scuffed on the floor, a ceiling fan rattling etc. Being able to reduce the number of sensory issues is much easier at home. You already would have set up your home with their sensory needs in mind so there are lots of safe places at home for them to unwind. They will still have meltdowns but not as often, not as easily triggered and you are not as exhausted as you were in the past so can deal with them better and have a little more patience. My son can now tolerate a lot of sensory input that in the past he would not have been. 

• Social changes: while ASD children have social difficulties, they are not anti-social when in comfortable situations. Another great thing to remember is that ASD children are often selectively social. In school, children experience forced interaction which is not socialising, it is not a choice and it is not fun. This for an ASD child can be difficult to navigate and cope with. They are told they should have friends but most do not have anything in common with these peers other than sharing the same birth year. Many will withdraw, prefer to be alone, get bullied, and not enjoy 'making' friends. At school my son was bullied, he was alone most lunchtimes, he spent his play time at the library to avoid getting bullied in the playground, he did not have any friends, he was not comfortable being around others.  At home, my son is alone. He is an only child. He LOVES being alone in his OWN space. But not having forced interactions every day for 6+ hours means that he is open to being social now. When he goes somewhere he is not hiding from yet another social situation, he enjoys it and is open to making friends. He will have a conversation rather than a monotone response to answers. He will seek out children to play with. He will be present in activities rather than hiding from everything. Homeschooling can be isolating and as a parent you need to be pro-active in sourcing activities etc. There can be bad socialising experiences (and yes we experienced them and had set backs) in homeschooling but in general and in the longer term for us it has been positive and much better in terms of social development than when at school. It also means that we can have a day of being social with friends (yes homeschooling for us has meant making real friends!) and then a day of alone time at home learning to balance things out and not get too overloaded and tired. 

So homeschooling for us has not only been the answer to so many ASD issues we faced, but it has been the way for us to move forward, find happiness again and embrace being ourselves, ASD and all. 

This year, my drive to get out and educate everyone, to post daily awareness messages to everyone I know, has fallen away somewhat.  I am in a different head space.  Maybe because I am in the end stages of the process? Like many others in my situation, I feel I've passed the baton onto the next wave of ASD parents I know.  They are in the trenches right now and have the fighting spirit to get out there and spread the word.  I feel like I've done my time in the trenches, done my tours of duty. This Warrior Mum will always be a warrior, don't get me wrong, but I feel I've stepped slightly off the ASD battle field and as we currently have other medical issues to deal with and I feel my frontline experience is needed in a new battlefield next door.  It's part of being a parent I think, conquer one thing and then refocus and deal with the next. 

So I am not abandoning the Autism Awareness bandwagon, I am simply stepping aside for fresh louder voices to carry it forward. We live "ASD" every day, we spread awareness every day. 

 I'd like to finish off this post with something to watch. This children's cartoon is great to watch, great to get your children to watch and so helpful in spreading awareness, understanding and acceptance. If you are going to do anything this April for Autism Awareness month, then let this be it. If it changes or improves the way you view Autism and Aspergers in children, then this blog post was worth it. If your children learn how to be friends with an ASD child then it will make many ASD children and their parents very happy.

While our journey with ASD will never be over, and it will have it's ups and downs, it will have it's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back ..... it's not a fight for us now, it's a truce, a peace treaty. You are always on guard - but you can relax a little. At the end of the day, I hope all ASD families get to this place in their journeys too.  Having awareness, understanding and acceptance of this Diffability (Difference in Ability not Disability) is the KEY to moving forward.