You can kiss my Aspergers!

To all the parents currently receiving negativity and fielding complaints over their Autism Awareness posts this month, I'd like to tell you that you are awesome.

To all the people being ignorant, rude, judgemental and just a royal pain in the butt ..... well I have one thing to say to you ..... you can kiss my rather fat ASS! 

or ASSpergers in this case as well. 

The parent who has a child with ASD, and in many cases they themselves also have ASD, is being courteous this month.  They are trying to educate you on what ASD is.  They are trying to say, in a very politically correct way, that you need to pull your head out of your backside and learn what ASD is and that you WILL deal with ASD in your lifetime, whether you realise it or not, so you should do the right thing and get educated.

Dear parent of ASD kids,

I want to tell you this.  I want to tell you, that if your family and friends don't already know what ASD is, then they are ignorant and slack.  If they haven't come to you to ask about ASD, to learn what it means for your child and your family, and how they can help as your friends and your family, then why the hell not!  If you had a child with allergies or with diabetes then your family and friends would have asked what your child can and can't eat and made an attempt to include you if you went to their home for a meal. Would they not?  So shouldn't they have asked how they can accommodate your ASD child by now? YES THEY SHOULD!  If they haven't, and you are having to spread awareness and educate them every Autism Awareness Month ..... then not only are they inconsiderate and ignorant, but I wonder why they are still a part of your inner circle.  These people all have access to a library, to the internet and Dr Google, they can all pick up a phone and book a Dr appointment to ask their GP what ASD is.  So if they don't want to 'offend' you by asking they can still educate themselves.  On my journey I have learnt that not only are we born with ASD, but people can be born ignorant and no amount of effort on our part can change that.  So if you are faced with too much ignorant, save yourself the headache and walk away.  The Karma train will stop by and pick them up at some point and you can smile and wave farewell.

Warmest Regards,

ASD Warrior Mum. 

This month you have a choice.  As ASD Parents you can spread awareness and educate day after day, but remember to stay sane in the process and remember you have the choice to cut loose the ignorant people from your life.  For everyone else, you have the choice to open your minds and BE educated and pro-actively ask questions or you have the choice to shove your head back up your rear end.

Go Blue or go home.  

Building Excitement with a Yearly Education Box

At the start of each new school year 

(well for the last few years for us),

I have given my son a gift.

He gets an Education Box.

Basically I fill a box with all the new books (and often resources)

 we will be using for the year and let him 

discover them, 

get excited by them 

and want to learn with them.

It helps in a number of ways, more than just getting my son excited and wanting to learn. My son has Aspergers and various other learning disorders so there are a number of things we need to do to make a year go smoothly.  The box helps with that.

1. By letting my son see the years worth of books and resources for the year, it eases his anxiety and helps him know what is planned, what will be used, what it all looks like, what is expected (volume of work) and gives him time to get his head around it all.
2. By giving it to him all at once, I am able to see what he is interested in the most. It means I can start off with that area and use the time to build excitement and interest in the other areas of study and know if I need to approach areas differently (and have the time to make those adjustments).
3. By having it all in front of him, my son gets to feel in control and gets to pick what he wants to read and study first. Children with ASD especially love having control (mainly because so much of their lives and even their bodies and actions can be out of their control).  Control often equals calm and co-operation, well it does in my house. A calm and cooperative child is then open to learning and engaging.
4. When he sees it all at the start of the year, if he asks for something to go with it (either extending on an idea or subject area or thinking of a resource that I haven't considered) then I have time to find it/buy it/make it/research it to fit it into our study plan.

So again this year, in preparation for 'Back to School', I packed his new books into a box ready for him to discover.

What have I got packed in this year's box? 

Reading Books

Resource Books (a LOT of resource books LOL) 

Workbook Units

Posters

Maps

Other years I have filled it with Science Kits and Models, Stationary, Art Supplies, DVD's, flash cards and games as well. 

He loves it.  He always does.  He has been sitting with the box for the last hour sorting through it and looking forward to the year.  I have already heard (numerous times) "Can I read this one now?"

Check out for my post about our curriculum choices for 2016 (Grade 6) to read more about the contents of our box.

Here is a photo collage of the contents in case you want to Google some resources to add to your collection: 

And due to the size of the collection I have for the next subject theme, I only put a few books in, enough to prompt my boy into searching out the rest of the books.  However these are the most of the collection: 

Let me know if you use an Education Box type system at your Homeschool.  
I'd love to hear what you put in yours and how it works for you. 

Note to self - Aspergers still lives here

As my son gets older, things have improved.

  Not without a lot of hard work and effort on both his part and mine, but still maturity has helped.  This year has surprised me and my son has coped with many things that were previously no go zones.  He is actually taking part in some classes with other homeschoolers and making some friends.  We are fitting in lots of activities. I was sitting here last night so proud of all the things we are now able to do. I thought I should blog about that tomorrow.  

Then we woke up.

And I changed my mind.

Today was instead a very clear reminder that Aspergers and Anxiety, and their resulting meltdowns, still live here.  

As much as yesterday was fantastic, it was obviously too much.  How stupid of me to think that we could get school work done today on our 'calm at home day'.  Yesterday was Music, Therapy, Art and more music as well as play time with friends.  Every Monday this term has been this way, it's our out and social day.  He has coped great for weeks and I have been so happy about that. 

But the role of the Special Needs Mother never goes away and today I was made well aware that we were still on the rollercoaster.  I have officially written today off.  So much for my planning till midnight last night hey!  

I think that the 'improvements with maturity' also apply to my parenting. In the past I would have kept trying through the day to get work done.  Now I know there is no point hitting your head against a brick wall.  In the past I would have maybe re planned our Mondays so there is not as much on.  Now I know to implement some calm down strategies through the day as we go (even though he seems to be coping ok at the time) and to not expect that Tuesdays will be productive work wise.  

I think back to my son's diagnosis 6 years ago, and to the mothers in online support groups who all said that things change and improve as they get older and I thought hhhmmm really?  Thinking about it though, they do.  The ASD doesn't go away, but how much my son copes with and matures changes and how I parent and learn from past issues changes too. 

 I just need to remember that with all the changes and improvements happening on our journey, somethings will always remain the same. One - that Aspergers is always there. Two - we always continue to grow, mature and improve. Three - I will always be a very proud Special Needs Mother to an amazing much loved son. 

Now I am off to go and deal with a child having a difficult day. Currently covered by a blanket fort having difficulty making a decision on what DVD to watch and what he wants for lunch, as currently nothing is quite 'right' and it's all too much and too stressful. I need to take my Warrior Mum Super Hero cape out of the wardrobe and off the hanger.

The 'Bat Signal' is switched on and Gotham needs me. 

Your Brain is a Pizza - Explaining Aspergers to my 6 year old.

How do you explain to your then 6 year old, what Aspergers is, what it means for him and why he is different to other children - all while being very positive about it all and keeping it simple enough for a young child? 

For us, it was relating it to something tangible, something that he loved, something that was fun. Something simple. So we went with Pizza. *It will make sense I promise*

I started with "Your Brain is a Pizza".  Everyone's brain is a pizza. 

When you order a pizza and you open the box, you will either get a Pizza that has been sliced evenly, or one that is a mixture of bigger slices and smaller slices.  Most times, you get an evenly sliced one. Lets call that a regular brain. It's what most people have. It's all even and everything divided up as it should be.  I told my son that he and I have the random, uneven, mixed up pizza brain.  It's an Aspergers brain.  It's not wrong, just different.

So how does having a differently sliced pizza brain explain Aspergers? 

Well I then explained: Imagine that all the functions a brain is supposed to do, is in sections and each slice represents each section of the brain. One for Intelligence, one for being good at sports, one for making friends and being social, one for our senses, one for emotions etc. Everything you are supposed to have, learn and be able to do for each of those areas, is on a well proportioned slice. There is room for each element. All the toppings are evenly spaced. It means they can do all of these functions easily. One is not overtaking another. 

So imagine if all those same functions have to be spread on an uneven pizza. For Aspergers brains, the LARGE slices get things like Intelligence, Senses, Emotions.  The small slices get being social/making friends, being coordinated/good at sports, etc.  What does that mean?  It means that on the big slices, we have lots more of those things. Imagine LOTS of toppings, overlapping each other or spread far apart as the slices are so big. We can have a lot of intelligence and can mean our brain works overtime ALL the time, constantly thinking as there is SO much room to fill up! It means we have super emotions, lots of them, often many at a time and they can be hard to control, they are so powerful and they have lots of room to run around and get even more emotional.  It means our senses can be huge too. Too sensitive or not sensitive enough (as there is too much room for it to spread out and chill out).  On the small slices it can mean there is not enough room to fit all the elements we need. So we find it hard to make friends, hard to ride a bike or even hold a pencil. We couldn't fit all the information we needed onto those small slices. All that topping is over on the big slices and sitting in the intelligence slice.

That might sound bad, it will sound hard, it might even sound not fair. 

BUT! 

All it means is that we think differently. When we think, it's using the larger intelligence part of our brain to learn how to grow the smaller parts and use them better.  We still have the same sized pizza after all. We just have to learn how to use it the best way we can. The intelligence slice has to take control a little, be the leader and help train the smaller slices. He can use his intelligence to learn what to do and how to do it. 

Most people think a regular pizza is the best. Maybe it is. For some.  But I like uneven pizza's. The giant slices are awesome!  They have lots more topping and are like a bonus.  The small slices are good too, they don't make you feel as full.  It's all about how you look at it. 

My son LOVED this analogy.  He got it straight away.  All the things he found hard to do, he knew were on small slices, all the things he found hard to control and had lots of, were on big slices. But what he took from all of it, was that he had a super slice for intelligence. It made everything ok for him. He saw it as a very cool way to be. That in the long run, he'd learn everything he needed for the small slices so he wasn't going to miss out.

We love our Pizza Brains LOL 

And for months he proceeded to tell anyone who would listen, that he had a Super Aspergers Brain - with a super smart pizza slice! 

ASD and Homeschooling - My Autism Awareness Journey

Today begins Autism Awareness month. Over the last 5 years I spent every day of April (and many throughout the year) promoting Autism Awareness. I don't regret my daily awareness social media posts. I don't regret that because of them I have helped others become aware, recognise ASD in their own children, recognise the ASD issues in my child and help him, and ACCEPT ASD in all it's forms.

I also do not regret the many people who left my life because of those posts. The ignorant and self absorbed 'friends' who were annoyed by ONE post a day from me showing up on their news feeds. I even cut ties with family over those posts. Sending me a message to say you are 'unfriending' me on facebook because my one post a day clogged your news feed is not only an indicator of your lack of friends, but of your rudeness and general attitude which is probably the reason for your lack of friends in the first place. What I found funny was in each case, I was expected to apologise and to remain in contact with these people after the unfriending. Funny because they had to be joking right? 

 You may think that posting awareness messages was a negative thing to have lost large number of family and friends from my life over those 5 years. But that's not the case. Good riddance to them all I say. My awareness posts brought about the end of these relationships sooner rather than later and saved me a lot of wasted time and effort so it was a good way of thinning the herd.

The thing about being an ASD parent, is that you find yourself going through stages. There is the struggle before diagnosis, the bitter sweet shock and sadness at diagnosis, the grief and 'why us' stage, the confusion and finding your feet stage, the endless therapy stage, the school issues stage ... the list goes on.  Many people get stuck in the early stages and never move on from that, but many of us move through the stages and get to the acceptance stage. The place in our journey where we accept who WE are as parents, accept ASD for what it is, accept our kids for the awesome children they are, and work towards our futures. We don't look for cures, we stop reading the endless stream of articles listing causes. We stop living in the blame game, stop looking for the exit door. 

I'm at the Maintenance / Acceptance / Celebration stage. The "we've worked things out" and are managing stage, where the hard work of the past years is paying off. Where we might want to take on new challenges or just enjoy the place we are in.  We can see the good things about ASD, we can celebrate them. That's us now.

We've been through diagnosis, we've been through therapies, we've been through school issues, we've survived and found what works for us.

What works for us is homeschooling. 

Honestly, it's the biggest and best change we ever made to our lives and the benefits to the ASD issues we were facing will far outweigh any struggles we've had in finding our feet in the homeschooling journey. 

Now I will say, that homeschooling is NOT for everyone, it is NOT possible for many financially, physically or mentally.  It is not the answer for everyone with ASD. However it was the answer for us. It meant no need for medication, it meant no more depression and suicidal thoughts from my son, it meant improved health, it meant a huge reduction in anxiety, it meant less sensory overload, it meant less aggravation and frustration. Quite simply, it worked for us or I wouldn't still be doing it. We are in our 4th year of homeschooling and don't plan on stopping any time soon. It is by no means "a cure" as ASD is a way of life and a way of thinking NOT a disease, but it is the best option for us.

What improvements happened for us with homeschooling? 

• Physical changes: no more daily anxiety vomiting which meant no more stomach problems, weight gain (my son had not gained weight since he was 3.5 years old and started Kindy and was almost 7 yrs old when we started homeschooling), colour back in his cheeks, no more black bags under his eyes, sleeping through the night for the first time in his life, he smiled, he laughed, he played. He also grew a lot. Did you know, according to medical research, that anxious children have stunted growth?

• Emotional changes: my son was happy again. There was no daily tears, no anger at everything, frustration at everything, refusal of everything. He was no longer in shut down or meltdown mode every day. He would get excited rather than frightened. He was able to self regulate his emotions more and he was able to be calm and content for the first time. He was able to talk through his emotions. He felt he could really BE himself. That he wasn't being judged or singled out for his ASD issues. 

• Mental Health changes: after being suicidal, coming to us at 6 years old and asking which was the least upsetting way for a parent to find their child after ending their lives, my son's mental health did a huge back flip. He has NEVER gotten to a suicidal state since then (when we removed him from school). Even years of therapy with a psychologist had not been able to help his mental depressive state, but homeschooling did. His severe anxiety was significantly reduced and he was able to function again. No more hiding under chairs and tables, no more social withdrawal. He was chatty, he would approach people to talk and make friends, he was relaxed. One of the other huge positives, is that in your home, there is no class bully. There is no playground bully. You will probably still encounter a bully or two in a homeschool social group, but the difference being that the child has more self confidence than when at school, they have parent back up and support and the problems are dealt with directly and not brushed aside by schools. 

• Educational changes: my son has a very high IQ but struggled at school with little help and was getting C's and D's in all his subjects despite us being told he was in the highest portion of the class (doesn't THAT say something about our education system and mainstream schooling!). He was at the start of Grade 2 and could not read, spell, do basics. At home he was able to get one on one help with me, no distractions, no noise, no sensory overload, could go at his pace, could do a lot of revision work and concentrate on problem areas, could advance in areas he was good at. I could easily see where the deficits were and was able to pin point learning disorders that the school was unable to notice. We were then able to have those things tested for and diagnosed and put in learning supports and strategies. My son's first year at home we used a Distance Education school and his report card from them was straight A's and he received a Principals Academic Award. So not only were his results more reflective of his intelligence, but he was able to learn in a way more appropriate to his learning difficulties. My son now enjoys learning, he willingly gets a book to read. I can cater his education specifically to his needs.

• Sensory changes: I'd like to think that as children with sensory needs get older, that they all develop a tolerance to things that previously resulted in meltdowns or shutdowns. However this is usually a gradual process. For us, the first month at home there were huge improvements. Almost as if a switch was flicked as many issues appeared to change immediately. I think that in a school environment, EVERYTHING sensory is happening all at once and that's where the overload comes in and when the child falls apart. Many hold it together at school then come home and explode in meltdowns. Trust me, that meltdown after school child, is NOT the one you are trying to teach at home. At home, the sensory issues are somewhat separate from each other or in milder forms. There might be some noise, but it will only be one or two people talking or a TV in the background or a single light buzzing. But not 30 people talking in the classroom (with the rest of the school talking just a building away), ten lights per room buzzing, plus the noise of people walking, pencils writing on paper, paper shuffling, sniffling kids, school bell ringing, a sport class happening outside, a music class' noise filtering through the school, chairs being scuffed on the floor, a ceiling fan rattling etc. Being able to reduce the number of sensory issues is much easier at home. You already would have set up your home with their sensory needs in mind so there are lots of safe places at home for them to unwind. They will still have meltdowns but not as often, not as easily triggered and you are not as exhausted as you were in the past so can deal with them better and have a little more patience. My son can now tolerate a lot of sensory input that in the past he would not have been. 

• Social changes: while ASD children have social difficulties, they are not anti-social when in comfortable situations. Another great thing to remember is that ASD children are often selectively social. In school, children experience forced interaction which is not socialising, it is not a choice and it is not fun. This for an ASD child can be difficult to navigate and cope with. They are told they should have friends but most do not have anything in common with these peers other than sharing the same birth year. Many will withdraw, prefer to be alone, get bullied, and not enjoy 'making' friends. At school my son was bullied, he was alone most lunchtimes, he spent his play time at the library to avoid getting bullied in the playground, he did not have any friends, he was not comfortable being around others.  At home, my son is alone. He is an only child. He LOVES being alone in his OWN space. But not having forced interactions every day for 6+ hours means that he is open to being social now. When he goes somewhere he is not hiding from yet another social situation, he enjoys it and is open to making friends. He will have a conversation rather than a monotone response to answers. He will seek out children to play with. He will be present in activities rather than hiding from everything. Homeschooling can be isolating and as a parent you need to be pro-active in sourcing activities etc. There can be bad socialising experiences (and yes we experienced them and had set backs) in homeschooling but in general and in the longer term for us it has been positive and much better in terms of social development than when at school. It also means that we can have a day of being social with friends (yes homeschooling for us has meant making real friends!) and then a day of alone time at home learning to balance things out and not get too overloaded and tired. 

So homeschooling for us has not only been the answer to so many ASD issues we faced, but it has been the way for us to move forward, find happiness again and embrace being ourselves, ASD and all. 

This year, my drive to get out and educate everyone, to post daily awareness messages to everyone I know, has fallen away somewhat.  I am in a different head space.  Maybe because I am in the end stages of the process? Like many others in my situation, I feel I've passed the baton onto the next wave of ASD parents I know.  They are in the trenches right now and have the fighting spirit to get out there and spread the word.  I feel like I've done my time in the trenches, done my tours of duty. This Warrior Mum will always be a warrior, don't get me wrong, but I feel I've stepped slightly off the ASD battle field and as we currently have other medical issues to deal with and I feel my frontline experience is needed in a new battlefield next door.  It's part of being a parent I think, conquer one thing and then refocus and deal with the next. 

So I am not abandoning the Autism Awareness bandwagon, I am simply stepping aside for fresh louder voices to carry it forward. We live "ASD" every day, we spread awareness every day. 

 I'd like to finish off this post with something to watch. This children's cartoon is great to watch, great to get your children to watch and so helpful in spreading awareness, understanding and acceptance. If you are going to do anything this April for Autism Awareness month, then let this be it. If it changes or improves the way you view Autism and Aspergers in children, then this blog post was worth it. If your children learn how to be friends with an ASD child then it will make many ASD children and their parents very happy.

While our journey with ASD will never be over, and it will have it's ups and downs, it will have it's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back ..... it's not a fight for us now, it's a truce, a peace treaty. You are always on guard - but you can relax a little. At the end of the day, I hope all ASD families get to this place in their journeys too.  Having awareness, understanding and acceptance of this Diffability (Difference in Ability not Disability) is the KEY to moving forward.