Homeschooling is Better for MY Health

Almost every article or blog you read about the benefits of homeschooling, list a multitude of positives for the student, sometimes the family unit as a whole and about your lifestyle.

Most are written by parents, like myself, who recognise everyone else and the benefits to them and forget to explain how beneficial it is to us.  

I remember the 'me' who was taking my son to school everyday.  A place my son struggled to be in, struggled to function in. A place my son fell apart in.

I remember 'me' as being a complete emotional train wreck.  

I was extremely sleep deprived.

I was on the verge or tears ALL THE TIME.

I was stressed beyond any level of stress I thought was possible.

I was depressed.

I was extremely anxious.

I was heartbroken at what my son was going through.

I felt completely helpless and hopeless. 

I smelled like either vomit or disinfectant after cleaning up my son's daily anxiety vomiting.

I was exhausted from being at school with him all day helping him, then going home with him and copping the brunt of massive meltdowns.

I was angry.

I felt completely let down by school and felt belittled by staff.

I felt defeated after fighting so many battles, over and over again. 

I felt I'd let my son down and was a failure as a mother because he became suicidal. 

He was broken.

I was broken.

Amid all the feelings I went through when I pulled my son out of school and over those first days, weeks and months at home, one was relief. Pure relief.

Relief that in our decision to remove him from school, I would have my son back, I would no longer be dealing with school, with teachers, with school parents, with school run, with daily meltdowns, with daily vomiting, with anything.  Relief that we were back in control and we could do this better than any system ever could. Relief that I had a second chance. 

Over the years, through our changes with curriculum and learning styles, social ups and downs, my son's medical rollercoaster and life in general, I have found that the benefits to my overall health to be huge. 

I have considerable and complicated physical health issues and I recognise that I would be much worse off if I was still dealing with school.  The fact I can rest and recover from physical setbacks while homeschooling is a big plus.  I am not struggling with schools runs and vomiting and meltdowns.  I have a child who can learn with me while sitting next to me in bed.

My emotional and mental well being are being looked after too.  Sure we all have bad days and down times when dealing with life's curve balls (like our recent period of being out of work). Financial stress is always a big issue, but that would be there regardless of our education path choices.  But really looking at it, I have never gotten to the low point that I was at during those school days.  I do recognise that I have high anxiety and I deal with that, but it's not to the degree it once was.  I find homeschooling assists me with managing it as I am not as stressed and have time to breathe.

I find peace through the day.

I still have that pleasant sense of relief every day when I wake up.

I wake up after actually getting some sleep!

The only time I smell of vomit is after a tummy bug goes through the house and that's maybe once a year.

I am not angry.

I am not depressed.

I am not helpless or hopeless or heartbroken.

  I have my spirit back.

I can laugh with friends.

I have my Warrior Mum attitude back and can tackle issues when they arise and when my son needs me to dig my heals in and fight for him. 

I am not defeated and I do not let people belittle me.

I am stronger.

I am better.

The changes that homeschooling has made to my life, to my health, make this choice worthwhile.  If I am better, happier, healthier, then surely I can be a better mother, teacher and role model for my child.  

Many people have said that if my son was at school I would have time to rest and it would be better for my health.  They can't see that the school issues were making my problems 100 times worse and by eliminating them, we all benefit. Sure my son is home and with me 24/7 but he is calm and happy and will play, read and do work quietly, especially on days I am not well. That gives me true peace and the ability to rest rather than if he was at school which would be a few hours child free where I am still stressed and worried about him. 

The child I have now, is NOT the hard to handle child I had all those years ago.  I guess what I am saying to the struggling parents reading this, is that while you might have a difficult child and don't think your health could possibly cope by homeschooling, you might be in fact making things harder for yourself and your child by not giving homeschooling a chance.  School will always be there to go back to if you find it's not working well at home, but just don't rule out homeschooling altogether because you have health problems. 

I'm just putting this out there, because we forget to look at ourselves.  We as parents make decisions and think of everyone else.  We ask ourselves is it the best thing for them, can we afford it, etc.  Most don't think to acknowledge if it would benefit them as parents.  I look back and know my decision was based completely on what my son needed and not what was best for me, but I am happy to report it's been the best thing for me too! 

My recent 'aha' moment came when I was going through days of high anxiety and dealing with too much.  Once again we were dealing with unemployment, too many bills, a broken government department offering no help and I was starting to crumble.  As I sat there, upset, I thought wow at least I can sit here and have a cry and crumble a little.  I can stop and breathe and go back to bed if I need to. I don't have to rush to school or deal with all of that.  I can take the time to deal with this, we can take a break from school work and de stress.  We can get through it without me falling into a completely broken heap.  I have the freedom to breathe and to deal with my anxiety and overall this is better for my state of mind.  

Homeschooling has given me that and I am forever grateful. 

It's ok to stay home a lot

Recently, when talking with some of my "village" aka 'homeschool mums I am friends with', the topic of "How much do you go out and do things with a group?" was raised.  Not only were all our responses the same, but we all seemed to suffer guilt over the lack of seemingly exciting plans on our schedules. 

First - lets get this out there - IT'S OK TO STAY HOME A LOT !!!!! 

Staying home a lot means many things: 

• learning
• doing school work
• housework
• keeping routines
• working on personal goals (both yourself and your kids)
• cooking
• planning
• reducing anxiety 
• keeping stress free
• exploring your own corner of the world
• exploring your imagination and getting creative, even if that's in your thoughts in a day dream.

It does not mean you are isolating your child or boring them.  My son's favourite days (and weeks) are the ones where we have zero plans to leave the house.  He LOVES spending the day in his pj's, loves having the freedom to play and chill between school work and LOVES his own company.  There are times he is laying on the couch staring off into space and I will ask if he is ok, to which I get a smile in response and he will say he is imagining and it's great (as he forget's his dreams).  For him there is no anxiety over who we are seeing, where we are going, what the plan is.  There is no stress and he is not going to be over tired, in sensory overload or in pain (due to his physical issues).  MOST of all, it means when we do go out, he fully enjoys it, enjoys the company of those we are with, is not over tired from multiple outings previously, can cope with the sensory challenges etc. He does not expect us to go somewhere all the time or have an outing somewhere special on a weekend.  As a child we played at home most of the time and didn't go out. I think these days we are too caught up in the 'go here go there' all the time mentality.     

Think of it this way.  If you lived in a tiny rural town, population 30.  You might have the only child/ren in that town.  The nearest town to you with children is hours away.  No one is going to berate you for not driving to nearby towns to 'socialise' multiple times a week or even once a week.  Children from small country towns grow up fine, with the ability to connect and talk with all ages and are usually very mature as they have grown up with generally adult conversation and behaviour expectations.  No one calls the mother in a small town a bad parent because she didn't provide enough exciting child experiences. Just because you might live in a busy town with a huge population, doesn't mean you should have to be out in it every single day, making friends with every family you come across.  Just because you have 6 neighbours all with kids doesn't mean your child has to like them or want to play with them.  

Secondly - not EVERYONE is a social butterfly and are out all the time.

You might get on social media and see posts from dozens of homeschoolers about their fabulous outings, their creative lesson plans inspired by Pinterest, their riviting blog posts, their 'fun' life in general.  And let me just say good for them!  It's not me and I'd be exhausted keeping up that schedule!  For everyone one that is out all the time, there are 50 of us at home.  Plus to be honest, they may have very different children to you.  Ones who NEED and crave outside input all the time.  Who go stir crazy at home rather than relish in it. Who learn best with new stimuli all the time and who don't get over loaded or tired or need a strict daily routine.  Maybe the mother who is always out and about is exhausted and is envious of those of us who can very honestly say we've not left the house for 7 days. 

Not everyone is in a co-op, not everyone has weekly sports, not everyone is doing art class or drama class or music, not everyone is a part of social media groups who have weekly play dates.  It is completely ok to not do those things all the time.  It is completely ok to be at home.

So as a whole, we need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, where they are going, etc.  At the end of the day, if you are all happy with the way you do things, then you are doing what is right for your child, your family, your budget, yourself.  If you want to make changes then go ahead, but don't do it just because you feel pressure and think you are failing your children.  You aren't.  You are a good mum and we forget to tell ourselves that.  

  

I had a sick day.

When you are a Homeschooling Mum, you don't get to have a sick day.  Ok so no mum ever really gets to have a sick day, but if your child goes to school or kindy or day care then you can at least get a few hours to rest and feel like you are dying in peace. Homeschooled children are too old for day care or kindy and obviously you can't ring a local school and say 'HEY! I'm sick and am dropping my child off for a day'.  So really, there are no sick days for us.

Except today.  Kinda.  Sorta.  

I woke around midnight with a killer headache that was quickly getting to migraine status.  I took some headache medication and went back to bed.  6am thumps around and Warrior Kid wakes.  I vaguely remember him walking in and me muttering I had a headache.  

Now at this point - remember my son has Aspergers and lets be honest here, he generally has trouble thinking and planing his own daily needs let alone mine.  I'm not being nasty, just honest in that he has always struggled with daily self care needs and being independent.  

Well Warrior Kid went to the kitchen, got me a bottle of water, my jar of headache pills (don't stress he cannot open it!) and then my peppermint rub from the bathroom and brought them to me.  He then went and made himself breakfast (cereal - which a lot was spilled on the bench and so too was milk but I don't care).  He then kept himself amused and played.  (Again don't stress, the house is locked, we have two indoor guard dogs for protection, smoke alarms and he can't turn on a stove or oven or a bath tap etc and I wasn't asleep sleeping, I was resting so was still able to get up if there was a noise etc)

When I got up hours later feeling a lot better, I found him reading a book.  He said he didn't watch TV as the noise would be bad for my headache.  I thought WOW who is this independent child!!  He then asked ME what I would like for lunch.  Now he cannot cook, and struggles to pick something for himself to eat if I ask him what he wants, but he suggested some microwave meals from the freezer as that was easy for me to make.  He even went and got them from the downstairs freezer.  

So today I had a helper.  I had a child who was capable of being responsible and mature. I had a son with ASD able to focus on someone else and their needs and who was very empathetic.  I had a sick day. A real one. Kinda.  I got to rest, properly.  Not the usual 'mum rest' that involves pausing for two minutes to stop from fainting before carrying on the daily chores and looking after the needs of the children.  

It's days like this when I realise how much my boy has progressed and matured.  He is almost 10 and gee that's gone fast!  Another proud mummy day.  

Thank you son, I'm so proud!

Today was one of those days where my plans for the day were benched. A close friend needed hugs, a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board.  When she arrived I could tell we needed some Mummy chat time and my son who loves to talk the ears off my friends was excited to have a new set of ears and was keen to start his epic tales.  So I asked him (and bribed him with snacks) to go play in his room, watch a DVD or TV and said that us Mum's needed some private chat time.  

He was perfect, and quiet .... He had a book.  A BOOK! He was laying up on his bed, no TV on, no DVD, no toys, no mess everywhere.  He had a book. Jedi Academy (book 2). Wow that has only ever happened once before (voluntarily picking a book and wanting to read - and read it by himself with no help).

I was able to talk with my friend and was hopefully able to help her through things and be supportive like she always has been for me.  No interruptions, it was nice to have that time to concentrate on her and not be splitting your attention in two. 

When she was leaving he came out to show me the progress in the book.  I was stunned at how far he had read. We had read the first book in the series together and he had loved it. Apparently he wanted to see what happened next so decided on reading the book rather than watching TV. 

He sat and retold the parts he had read.  He admitted he had to read lots of parts a few times each to understand it (he has limited comprehension from reading, but amazing recall from verbal delivery) and knowing that he did that, didn't cry or get frustrated or come out to ask for help was a huge thing and I am so very very proud!  

Thank you son for giving Mummy space today, for showing initiative, for persistence and for doing so well!  Thank you also to the Jedi Academy who obviously have stronger Jedi mind trick powers than I gave them credit for ;)  May the force stick around and be with us for a long time to come! 

An Honest Reflection

They say a journey starts with a single step.  In reality I think our journey into homeschooling, or rather 'Expedition', started with an anxious stumble, a scream, a big breath and an instant headache!

The first year is split between the JOY of no school, the huge wonderful changes in your child and yourself as well as the new experiences you both have ... and stress.  Yep I admit it - I was stressed.

At the start you try to attach yourself to the type of group that seems to suit how you envisage your homeschooling journey should be.  You join Facebook groups and forums where everyone is lovely but are interested in what type of homeschooler you are and what category you fit into and what you should be doing.  You mention your 'tribe' and you become boxed in by it.  You get subconsciously judged for it and you can get very defensive of it.  It's like the playgroup circles all over again but this time your child has a bigger say in who you connect with and why.

I found it exhausting and my first year of homeschooling my son was stressful rather than just exciting. Granted it is a much different kind of stress to that of mainstream school and for a while you think you are stress free and relaxed, only to realise you just downsized the stress - but it was still there, bubbling under the surface. Instead of taking time finding my feet and working out what I liked and what my son liked, I was drowning in a sea full of new homeschooling terms and working out what lifeboat to swim to! Do you stay in your Distance Ed boat doing what you are told, or stick a leg in the Charlotte Mason boat and what about the unschooling boat on the other side?  It was confusing. It was also full of pressure.  Being one of the first in my group of friends to homeschool I was constantly asked for help, information, guidance and feedback. I was happy to help, I know I would have a loved a good friend to help me out when we started, but it was a little like being under scrutiny all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I loved homeschooling and I still do.  My son loved it (which let's face it is the main thing!).  I was proud of what we both achieved and happy to show photos and report on what work we had done and awards he won. I celebrated all the joy we had.  I just felt very much like I had people to please all the time and that brings a lot of stress to your life, even if you don't realise it at the time.

We did a lot that first year.  We were with a Distance Ed school which at the time ran workshops and events.  We went on excursions and joined social groups and tried sports and languages and everything in between.  The second year brought with it the expectation of being able to keep it all up and do more!  I pushed play dates and not only was that hard for my ASD son, but for a mother who also struggled socially, despite me being loud and to seemingly have my shit together, I was never sure of myself. And while my son was so much happier than he was at school, there was something not right with this as well. So many people told us that we'd have to be extra vigilant to 'socialise' my son because he is an only child.  But we experienced more than one Bully in our homeschool socialising and more than one parent who allowed it to happen.  It all got a bit too much for us and my son shut down again, so did I.  It's a community that while vast in distance, is very much a small country town, close knit, everyone knows everyone type of community.  When you are treated badly by a few, you find you can't go to anything without being confronted by the 'few'.  It was hard.

I find with ASD, in my house anyway, we have what I call a two year cycle.  Starts with problems, you change things, you work on them, things go great, you get too cocky and do too much and then it all turns sour. The problems (although different ones) are back and it's time to re evaluate.  Well it was problem time again for us.  We started two years prior with a suicidal child, changed to homeschooling, worked on it and things seemed to be going well, I obviously pushed too much socially and he crashed.  I spent many nights that second year awake in tears.  Mother guilt.  The usual.  The 'I failed' mantra kicks in. And you keep it all to yourself.

I started our third year very differently.  Not only had my confidence grown on the curriculum side of things over the previous 2 years and I was able to basically tell the Distance Ed teacher what I was going to do and didn't ask permission, I also ignored all those who pushed any kind of expectation on us.  I had quit nearly every homeschool group and forum I had belonged to and even some I helped run through our 2nd year.  I had left social groups.  I no longer pushed socialising onto my son.  We had a sheltered year and while many will criticise me for it, it was the best thing I could have done. My son did the one social/sporting activity he liked - once per week, for 1 hour, that was it.  We were still very busy with therapy appointments every day for declining health issues my son has.  We were still with Distance Ed, but I stopped most interactions with them as it wasn't what my son wanted nor fitted in with the hospital and therapy.  I made decisions for us.  I took my time.  I spent 6 months writing my application for HEU.  I let my son finish the year with Distance Ed because for him and his OCD, that's what was needed.  I didn't rush.

We made it.  January 2015 I posted off our HEU application and started on my terms this time. I picked my own combination of curriculum and I think I have probably got a bit from about 10 types of homeschooling I've come across.  So what do I tell people if they ask me what kind of homeschooler I am?  A bloody good one, that's what kind!  Aren't we all?

I have hopes, goals, plans (well planners at least, dozens of them, I'm OCD, of course I have planners LOL) and I have fears, doubts and hurdles (ok not hurdles, this fat lady doesn't jump hurdles, stumbling blocks may be a better analogy).  I feel like we've been on a huge journey already.  A guided tour using Distance Ed, social media and peer pressure.  Now it's time to ditch the tour bus and go off road on our own self guided Expedition!

** Ok Ok 'off road' may not be a great analogy either ... I don't like to rough it/4x4/camp, so ahhhh lets say our own self guided, self booked hotel, Expedition.  Just to be completely honest LOL.  I'm no Princess, I'm a battle worn Warrior Mum - but end of the day I still prefer a castle to a tent!  And so does my Warrior Kid xoxo